During a shamanic healing session I could see how I, at the age of 3 weeks, chose to take on board some of my father’s dysfunctional energy, as if he had an entity (negative energy) that controlled him. I so wanted to help him I volunteered to take some of that energy inside of me. And then I locked it inside my heart and put a crystal lid (energetically) over it in order to protect those I loved so they would not be affected by this negative entity. That was the first time I experienced an epileptic fit.
During the healing session I could see all of this – images flashed before me in quick succession, accompanied by an inner sense of just knowing. My conscious mind could not make sense of it all, but my inner being could feel the truth in what I was being shown. My body was shaking, as if I was having an epileptic fit, and the person doing the healing session with me was quite concerned. I was not, however, because I was filled with an immense peace as I knew I was healing.
Then the next insight came, and that was from my father. I could feel his consciousness come into the healing session, and he said, “I never wanted you to carry my pain. It was mine to carry, mine to sort out.” And in that moment I could see how the need in me to help him had caused me to sacrifice myself to try to heal him, and how this had not helped him at all, as it had robbed him of the opportunity to do it for himself. My father’s consciousness shared with me that it was time for me to learn to invite others to heal themselves, without me rescuing them or sacrificing myself.
This pattern, I feel, was something I had carried with me from previous lifetimes, and also a pattern that I had inherited from my mother. She tried to rescue my father, hoping he would one day change. He never did. He died an alcoholic, and he was completely alone, as my mother by this stage – after she nearly died of a heart attack – had realised that his aggression and violence were destroying her health. After she left him he went downhill very quickly. Death in the end liberated him from his pain, from a dysfunctional mind, and after his death I actually felt peace, as I could feel he was now reconnected with his true self.
Once I could see how my volunteering to carry his pain had not helped him, I awakened to such a degree that I literally stopped rescuing others overnight. A boundary had been drawn.
Another pattern I discovered when I did a journey into my unconscious mind (underworld in shamanic language) was how I would sacrifice my light in order to create balance in a dysfunctional dynamic. I could see how I had started doing this as a child, and then continued with this pattern due to feeling a lack of self-worth and self-love, and sometimes due to believing that if I didn’t sacrifice my light, then all hell would break loose – never realising that the sacrifice was how I kept the experience of hell going… As I healed this I could feel my power and light return to me.
Shortly after this discovery, something happened in one of my close relationships, where in the past I would have sacrificed my light in order to keep the peace, bending over backwards to please, just to keep this person in my life as he would threaten to cut me off if I did not toe the line. But this time something in me roared, and I could feel how a boundary was being drawn. I was no longer willing to sell my soul in order to keep the relationship going. So I cut the cords.